My wife often picks on me with the phrase, “You’re not 16 anymore!”  I do hang out with a lot of 16 year olds, and I guess it does rub off on me occasionally.  But more than that she’s making fun of my obsessive nature.  When I get interested in something, I generally want to go all the way with it.  For example, I once skimboarded with some guys last year.  I really enjoyed it.  I wasn’t half bad at it.  So in a few weeks time I bought a skimboard, boardshorts, a dry-shirt, and I was getting up at 5:30 am 3 times a week to go ride the surf.  A couple of weeks back I was with some kids who were skateboarding, and I used to skate back in the day, so I tried my old moves and I have to say I didn’t do that bad.  So you know what my wife said when I told her I think I might be interested in buying a skateboard. 

I’m not seriously interested in that, but it led to a good conversation.  She asked me, “What is that makes you want to go all out when you get just a little interested in something?”  I thought about it for a minute and then I asked her, “What is that makes you want to buy every piece of clothing there is when we walk into Gap?”  We both had our answers, but the bottom line is this: it makes us feel good.

I once heard someone say that men and women each have a question we need answered.  It starts when we are children and stays with us our whole lives.  Men want to know “Can I do it?”  And women want to know, “Am I worth it?”  Another way to put it would be that my obsessive nature has more to do with me being a man than a teenager at heart.  As a man I will value myself by what I can accomplish or conquer.  Can I do it.  My wife’s obsessive nature (i.e. shopping) has more to do with being a woman than being trendy.  She’s not just trying to look good.  She’s trying to look good for me.  She will value herself by I perceive and respond to her?  Am I worthy?  If you want to destroy my self-esteem, tell me I can’t do it.  Of if I do something but it doesn’t turn out well, then I won’t feel good about myself.  If you want to destroy a woman’s self-esteem, tell her she’s worthless.

What’s the moral of this story?  Well, I think at first we want to disagree with this little theory.  We want to say that we’re deeper than these things and that our self-esteem is stronger than that.  But let’s be honest men: We desperately want to feel good about our ability.  And when the answer to this question is in doubt, it leads us do foolish things.  We will search for an answer.  Some men pick up a new hobby.  Some men buy a motorcycle.  Some men have affairs. 

The truth is, the sheer fact that my wife believes I can do anything and she tells me she believes this, makes me truly able to do anything.  If I have her support, I never doubt my ability.  So how did I get such support?  Well, mostly I’m just lucky.  But I also strive to let my wife know how important she is to me, how much I value her relationship, and how much her faith in me makes me able.  Basically, I don’t need my question answered anymore because my wife answers it everyday.  And this happens because I answer her question.  Let the women in your lives know they are worth everything to you.